Even now, on a fantastic and sunny 70 degree day I am hiding in my room from my sister and her man. I don’t think I have ever felt more alone in my life. At this point in my life, I know the path I am going to walk is going to have to be the one alone.
I messaged a friend on Facebook, who I saw was landing in New York, to ask if he would like to get together for some coffee or lunch since he was in the area. No response. I messaged my good friend several times this week. No response. My sister gave me a fake telephone number which I called to tell her the good news about my new job, it said the number was a non-working number. 70 percent of my friends list on Facebook had unfriended me. It’s becoming weary and tiring, and I am hurting really bad because of it.
But I know this much, I am going to walk this path – the one God instructed me to walk. I may not go out with friends or have fun anymore, but this is what my life is going to be like now. No, it’s not depressing. I am not going to sit here and say “woe is me, I have no friends and nobody likes me” I am going to say that I am going to get through this and make friends that actually want to hear from me and be with me.
Through all of this, I have my best friend. He is my rock and has gotten me through the worst times in my life. When I was in the hospital, my parents left me in there and was going to send me to a Group Home. My sister didn’t visit me at all during the 10 months I was in there. The fact of the matter is, I am disposable – especially to my family. I am working to cutting ties all together by this time next year. When I do leave, there will be no family Thanksgiving, No Christmas, because I can honestly say in my heart that I really hate them. I do, at the bottom of it, and it brings me close to tears. They abandoned me to rape, torture and abuse, and I will never forget it. Even now, as they laugh and talk outside my window, I am excluded and left to my own company.
I never thought I would be in this place – this place of unknowing and pain. In a world where you say you believe in God is now a “bad word,” I feel out of touch as to where I belong. My Star Trek group completely excommunicated me, and I have nowhere to call “home.” Even some friends I thought were friends stay silent in my presence. I feel so out-of-place, so lost, and so “not my self.”
I need to move on. I need to leave here and start anew. I feel like I have been shot in the heart by the ones I most loved.
But at the heart of it, I know ultimately that I am not alone. I know that somewhere are people who want to be my friend and that want to know me. I know I have a voice, and I know I have a lot to contribute.
I wish for the day to come where I will break free of these chains and actually make something of myself and hopefully become famous at something. Whether it’s for advocacy or writing something of merit, but I want all the people who abandoned me to feel pain and guilt for shunning me. I hate them too, even though God doesn’t want me to hate them.
I hate them in my world of loneliness where they all left me to rot.
I will make something of myself, and they will all pay for what they have done to me.
I am un-sorry and unforgiving. They don’t deserve forgiveness.
That’s evil in my heart that I need to purge.
Forgive me dear ones for my rage.
It’s coming from a place of hurt and pain.
I will overcome it though, and find my place.