Spreading the Good Vibes – Wouldn’t It Be Nice If There Was More of That In the World Today?

rhythm

You all know it – Open any news app, or basically anything on the internet, and all you see is a bunch of horrible crap. I know some people who actually avoid the News all together just to maintain their sanity, and not make themselves miserable. But with ALL that going on, here I am, chugging along in my own little bipolar world, feeling like a million bucks…..and kinda worried about it.

I woke up at 5am this morning, and I can honestly say that I leaped out of bed like some kind of jack rabbit on crack. I was EXHAUSTED yesterday because I have just been running myself ragged trying to get my whole life in order. Isn’t it amazing that when you put off little things one by one, you find out that not only do they add up, but when you actually attempt to make a dent in fixing the mess you made of your life, you’re like: “Where the Hell do I even Start?” But, that hasn’t stopped me at all though, I have literally taken “being productive” to a whole other psychadelic level, and THEN some.

I am not even going to try to explain to you what kind of focus and drive I have developed in the past few weeks. I have been wracking my brain, (mostly in total disbelief), at how much strength and discipline I have managed to implement for my new mission in life. As far back as I can remember, I have been just whining and complaining about SO MUCH SHIT – “I am not skinny enough, some guy isn’t answering my text/calls, I hate my job, I hate being depressed, I need to drink my sorrows away, and since I am bipolar I may as well stay on the system and totally give up on life because I am too afraid to even try.”

What an endless loop of utter stupidity.

I won’t lie to you when I say, “I feel that the Universe is leaving me clues, because things are totally lining up, just right, and they are so good that I kinda feel that they are TOO good.”  Look I am going to be real here – I have had some MAJOR spiritual/psychic/religious/multi-dimensional experiences in my life, and to me, they ALL felt 100% real. Of course, as some of you may know, they locked my ass up, threw me in a psych ward, slapped the label of “bipolar” on me, and pumped me up with almost every medication possible. I am not even kidding either. As a matter of fact, when I went to have my annual psych evaluation with my psychiatrist last month, and he asked me to list the medication I have been on in my life, I literally told him, “don’t bother with a list, just put down ALL of them.”

So now, I find myself in this REALLY good place – like where I am just killin’ it, making moves, being productive, things are lining up JUST right for me, and a little question mark pops up in the back of my mind saying, “you sure you’re not going manic, you crazy bitch?” I am currently on 100mg of Seroquel and .05mg of Klonopin, and I take them both religiously every night at the same time. I can honestly say that it has been an absolute MIRACLE combination of meds for me, but I am still like hmmm…I don’t know about all of this……

Anyway, I also find myself in a place where I am kind of just laughing at things now, in a total “Alanis Morissette – Ironic,” kind of way. I have been reading some really good books on Buddhist practices, mantras and meditation lately and they ALL say, “Everything in the Universe is connected because the Buddha realized that everything is connected. There is only the One. Separateness is an illusion.” Nice right? Okay, now hear me out when I say that when I FELT that, I mean like REALLY felt the connection that Buddha speaks about: I literally found myself walking in the park one day, actually HEARING the tress and the wind speaking to me. When I experienced pure ONENESS with everything in the Universe like the Great Buddha says, in comes the ambulances, police sirens, straitjackets, psych wards, pills, pills and more pills, with my parents crying in the background. Yeah Buddha, explain that one for me will ya? And don’t get me started on my whole rant about the time I heard the voice of Jesus speak to me and I got thrown in a psych ward, when a preacher screams all sorts of shit about hearing the voice of Jesus and everything is A-Okay. Yeah religion, your turn, explain that one for me will ya?

But through all this new kind of learning and self-discovery, I am going to ignore all the fears I have about getting sent back to one of those horrible mental hospitals and just enjoy myself, love myself and spread some of those GOOD VIBES out into the world, because it is in such desperate need of some positivity. I am so thankful for people too, like my fellow Bipolar Warrior over in the UK, for talking to me this morning and putting my mind at ease about this whole thing. He simply said that all I am feeling is just excitement.

Isn’t it sad that when a person has been tormented by mental health professionals and medication for half of their life, FINALLY feels joy, excitement, peace, tranquility, and pure ONENESS – they are almost crippled with fear that it may be another manic episode and its off to the psych ward again? Isn’t it sad, that I am living in fear because things are finally going well?

But I am just going to shrug it off, and dance to the rhythm….because as you all know, it is a FACT that the rhythm is gonna get you. True story. What? You don’t believe that Gloria Estefan had this all shit locked down and figured out?  Haha. Man I am totally nuts, and I know it, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be anybody else.

SPREAD THOSE GOOD VIBES PEOPLE!!!

(And steer clear of psych wards if you can)

Stay tuned.

 

 

Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Love Me Tinder – When People Realize That There is a REAL Person, with REAL Feelings, Behind the Screen

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How do you feel when you are ghosted? Why do you ghost people? The simple answer I have learned about this is: FEAR – Fear of telling someone why you no longer want to date them. In the age of online dating, these acts of cowardice have become so acceptable in our culture, that’s its just downright scary.

I am of a different generation. I think it’s Generation Y, and sometimes I think it’s totally fitting because I often think, “Y the Hell was I even born?” But that’s a whole other story in itself. Dating when I was younger was very much like what Drew Barrymore describes in the amazing movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” (2009). Her character in the movie really has a hard time navigating through the whole world of Online Dating. She says, (and I believe most of us can identify with this), “If I want to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex, I don’t go get a new haircut – I update my profile.” Put simply, that’s what we all are now – just words and pictures on a screen, clicking away, swiping away, in the most inhuman way of interacting. Taking it a step further, Drew Barrymore’s character also points out how much of a damn struggle it is to even REACH someone to talk to them anymore, compared what it was like Once Upon A Dating Ago:

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn’t. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting!”

I’m gonna go ahead and bring it into modern times and just simply say – #PREACH, Drew!

Anyway, when you finally get to the actual “date,” (I almost feel like that’s not what people are even doing anymore), it usually goes more or less like this:

Match.

Text.

Meet.

Banter, Fun, Drunk. (IF it goes well – taking out the “no spark” and Catfish elements)

Sex. (Usually within the first week, or even first date)

Text.

Ghost.

Then back to Match – Repeating this whole self-absorbed, harmful, inhuman behavior over and over again, till you find yourself in your 40s. I have to say finding yourself in your 40s, still doing this crazy shit, is a REALLY scary thought – I mean at least it is for me. But you know, some people are just COMPLETELY oblivious of the whole thing. And in the case of one of these 40-year-olds, he made it work for him in a way that is just downright disturbing.

I watched something on Netflix this morning called, ” Hot Girls Wanted – (Episode 2 of the Series) – Love Me Tinder,” – and it was an inside look into the life of a serial-dater who became so good at his game, (on dating apps and sleeping with tons of women), that he had ZERO intention of ever settling down, or even slowing down. He was always in motion – swipe, swipe, text, date, sex, ghost, swipe, swipe, date, text, text, ghost, and then on to the next. One of the things that stuck out to me the most is the fact that he INSISTED on communication via text – indicating to me that same element I mentioned earlier – ABSOLUTE FEAR and TOTAL COWARDICE. The fact of the matter is, calling up someone, hearing their voice, listening to them cry, makes you FEEL really bad for the shit that you did/doing to them, and in this day and age, people just don’t want to deal with that. Fact of the matter is, they don’t even care.  The serial dater even says, “I just don’t want to deal with their feelings.” I mean as horrible as that is, MOST people feel the same way you know, men AND women. It’s really damn sad at how cold-hearted people have become towards each other, I mean even to people they had SEX with – which is even sadder because this society seems to have turned such an intimate act of love into some straight up porn shit.

Anyway, James Rhine, (The serial-dater in this documentary, and former cast member on Big Brother Season Six), had his 15 minutes of fame years ago, and kinda ran with it for a LONG time. I could even excuse the fact that he was a serial-dater, having his fun and living his life, ’cause you know no one wants to be a hater. BUT, what he was doing was very damaging to the women he was just discarding, over and over again, without giving it a second thought. His behavior REALLY disturbed me though because he used the fact that he was in his 40s, (you know older and wiser), to manipulate women – described in his words here:

“I think because I have been in this dating world for so long, and I have been able to cross over into all the new technological advancements, you know going from the old-school to the now hook-up culture, I take the best from all these worlds and compile them into what I think girls want and what other guys are lacking. You know the chivalry from being old school, the phone call, the holding the doors that stuff – I think I’ve put together a nice little strategy.”

That really hit me hard because he was using the values and behavior that most women look for, (which, for the record, is from previous generations), to methodically manipulate them. I mean this guy went the extra mile to “play the nice guy” that will melt your heart, you know making these women think “awww, he’s so sweet, he really cares about me,” and use it to his total advantage. And of course, when the women say the wrong thing, or he gets tired of them, he simply moves on.

This documentary was REALLY well done, and even though because of what I said here about James makes him look like a total sociopath, the FACT of the matter is, THIS is EXACTLY what people do these days, I mean, in one way or another.

I am sure you have heard that the main reason we have such a problem with commitment in this society is because there are way TOO many options out there. It’s a fact that has also affected marriages and people who are already in committed relationships. You know, you have been with this person for X amount of years, and you just want to try something “new” – you are tired of the same face, and I hate to say it – you are tired of the same genitals.

In this day and age, people are stuck in a perpetual NEED to stay in the “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship, and when that’s over they just move on. A Need for Speed and the Rush of Excitement is the Name of the Game now, and it’s like frickin’ crack.

Anyway, James ends up coming face to face with the consequences of his actions, and he REALLY begins to realize what he has been doing for all these years:

“Sitting there watching her cry and break down like that over something that I personally didn’t think was that significant was a good reminder as to the fact that you sit back, get off your phone, and pay attention to how these other people are feeling. You’re affecting other people, and you’re not doing it in a good way, For me being 40 years old and still doing this, is just completely unacceptable behavior.”

I have to say that I really enjoyed this documentary, and I just want to tell you now, that when you’re out there dating, remember, PLEASE REMEMBER, that these are REAL people you are talking to and getting to know. They have REAL emotions and feelings and you should honestly respect them.

(Oh, and total disclaimer here: I ABSOLUTELY know women are fully capable of this behavior too. Please believe me that this wasn’t a man-bashing post, it was just done from James’ story and can be totally applicable for a woman’s story too).

Thanks for reading.

Stay tuned.

 

 

Posted in Online Encounters, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

Lying in a Bed at a Psych Ward. Body Drugged So Much You Can’t Move. Then A Voice Says, “Get Up.”

angel

I thought of that moment tonight. I tried to fall asleep at a decent hour tonight because I am giving it everything I have got to beat this illness, and that starts with developing healthy sleep patterns to improve my life.

Maybe having “The Shack” on the TV in the background wasn’t the best idea, especially knowing the struggles I have been facing in terms of “God” and “Faith” and what the doctors ended up telling me was just mental illness. How do you believe? Why is this such a struggle for me? Why can’t I let it go and just live? Why does this rob me of sleep?

Questions so many questions. I sit here typing at 4:32am, knowing I have to sleep, knowing that I can’t pop a Melatonin because I will NEVER be able to get up and help my father shovel the mountain of snow that is left for him alone to do, (Why the HELL did God make is snow?) I may be wracking my head too hard for answers, and what I am searching more may be simpler than I think. “Keep it simple,” they say – a mantra I have come to know well.

God may have shown me the answer I needed tonight, the proof I was looking for, beyond the doctor’s opinions of my mania, beyond of what believe is my mania.

It may be just as simple as remembering a moment that I haven’t thought about in many, many years.

I was hospitalized more than 17 times in 2004.  I was a guinea pig for the doctors because I beat them at their own game, took their pills, got better, and then threw them the hell out. I didn’t want them, I just didn’t want them. Up until the first moment I popped a pill, I NEVER experienced ANY kind of PSYCHOSIS in my ENTIRE DAMN LIFE.

Until I popped a pill, I was just your average kick-ass, hard working American Woman. 

Then from there my entire world collapsed. I lost my job, my apartment, my boyfriend, my self-respect, and most of all, my sanity. 

They caught me finally, and drugged me up SO MUCH, that I was nothing but a vegetable lying in a hospital bed of their psych ward prison. Lying in a bed, all day, every day, unable to move, barely able to eat, an absolute broken woman as a result of “the system’s solution to my mental illness.”

Then one night, there was a voice. The voice was weak, small. It simply said two words, two words I will never forget, two words that may be the answer to the questions I have been searching for:

“Get up”

“Get up”

“Get up”

Over and over again. Repeating louder and louder. 

No other message was sent. There was no complicated scripture, or nonsense religions teach you. Just two simple words for the tortured soul of a newly diagnosed bipolar patient. 

After the message was loud enough, I completely jumped – NO LEAPED – out of bed, ran to the nurse’s station and called my mom to tell her it was time we talk to the doctors and work out a plan to get me out of there.

That was the last night I lay helpless and broken in a psych ward bed.

It’s funny you know, that same message came through as I tried to sleep tonight. “Get up.”

I am not even going to ask why, all I know is that I am here typing this out for the world to see it.

In a time where there are SO many drugs being continuously fed to us, prescribed to us, pushed on us, and at the same time religious fanatics push their agenda on us, so many people are caught in between – and for the people like us, with mental illness, the battleground for our soul and sanity is embedded deep in our mind. It may be that the mind of someone with a mental illness is where all the answers of the Divine that has been sought after since the Beginning of Time.

Stay tuned.

Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

sunrise

Welcome to the Home of ShatteredWishes!

This blog is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers who I have met and cried with over the years. It’s for the ones who have bipolar, no scratch that, it’s for anyone who has ever dealt with mental illness. The ones who search and search for “The One” but can NEVER seem to find him/her. The ones who drink and drink all the way down to the bottom of a bottle, smoke their whole lives away, or just can’t break the endless cycle of addiction.

This is my story. This is your story too my friends.

I have had a lot of toxic people come and go in the past, and through my hardships, I learned the power of self-compassion and forgiveness. I have also learned to let go of a lot of things that used to cause me stress and worry. I had cataloged some of my journey in two previous blogs, which you can read here in case you’re interested:

Musings of an Unchained Soul – (2013-2015)

Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – (2015-2017)

Being bipolar isn’t easy, not by a long shot, but I don’t plan on letting it conquer me in any way, shape or form. So, join me as I navigate my way through my relationships and battles with mental illness. Hopefully, I can help you on your journey too and we can learn how to survive this crazy world together!

“Remember you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it”

Stay tuned.

 

Posted in Bipolar, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Life Showed Me Yesterday – “There is a Reason You Survived Lynn.”

psychcentral-2015-08

Everyone has issues. We complain about everything – jobs, relationships, even when our technology craps out on us. But have you ever thought, “does this trivial crap even matter?” Look, I am not gonna get all “High and Mighty” on you guys, because I can honestly say, I have spent the last 11 years buried underneath a huge pile of trivial crap. Seriously. I did the endless (and pointless) dance of online dating, had a bunch of meaningless one-night stands, ended up at the bottom of a liquor bottle countless times, and I went spinning and spinning in a manic mess fueled by an overwhelming online addiction. (Online addiction meaning hours and hours on social media, forums, chatrooms, sex sites, etc. And don’t you tell me that being glued to your tablet or phone for countless hours isn’t addiction. Who are you kidding?)

In recent weeks, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I had experiences that sent my Bipolar Illness into complete overdrive, and when I crashed down to Earth, my brain was frantically trying to figure out the difference between God’s work and what doctors have told me is mania. This is not a “preachy” post I promise you, but as a person who always believed in God, I can’t even describe to you what happened when I started traveling the fantastical journey deep into the essence of the universe guided by the Hand of the Divine. I was filled – overcome with the presence of God in my heart, and then in one big flash of ambulances, doctors, pills, (so many damn pills), and psych wards, all of it was taken away and I was told by “professionals” that everything I experienced was mania. Hmm. Do they tell the preacher in the church who is filled with the Holy Spirit and praises Jesus at the top of his lungs that he is “hearing voices” and is mentally ill?  Trust me I have been REALLY struggling with that paradox recently.

I met up with an old friend from my past yesterday who was in a Day Treatment Program with me called Gateway back in 2007, right when I was released from the psych ward after a total manic blowout. (I had gone off meds for three WHOLE years, thinking what most people think: “I don’t need meds, I got this.” I got news for you guys, that shit COMES BACK so don’t even try and fool yourselves). Anyway, Gateway is also where I met my therapist of 11 years, along with a host of messed up people – drug addicts, alcoholics, mental patients, you name it. We were all so screwed up, me included. I can’t even tell you what it did to me to know that after I tried to be med-free, and SUCCEEDED for three years, to have all that psychosis, mania or whatever the hell, come back and destroy my life all over again. I went straight for the bottle, along with my old friend and the countless others there. We were ALL in pain, but though that pain, we bonded. This group of users, misfits and outcasts became my family for the next two years, and we all cried, laughed and healed together. Due to funding issues, (which is relevant to the problems we are having today), Gateway closed, and all of us went our separate ways, including my old friend.  I ended up following my therapist to a counseling center and continued treatment with him, which in itself is a total miracle that place was allowed to remain open.

Years passed, and I had been doing nothing but wasting time. Complaining, whining, bitching about the most insignificant shit, (like a guy ghosting me and making my whole world crumble, Jesus Christ, what a total waste of energy). I was letting being bipolar be my excuse to lay and wallow in it, and I hate to say it, but that stigma they slap on us is totally true sometimes. My therapist told me that he has clients who straight up say, “I am never working again, I am going to stay on the system.” Like you know, that’s it, I am mentally ill, so I can’t do anything else. And you wonder why people treat us the way they do, huh? But then again, I am TOTALLY guilty of doing this too, like I said the last 11 years of my life living on disability is living proof of that.

Meeting my old friend yesterday was a wake-up call. I arranged for her to meet my therapist to talk about old times, (my old friend was in Gateway long before I got there), but the happy reunion we were having took a somber turn. One by one, name my name, we counted how many people from Gateway are DEAD today. They didn’t make it man, they didn’t make it. I can’t tell you what that did to me, and I know mental health professionals are supposed to show restraint and be reserved, but it totally looked like my therapist almost broke down in tears. Gateway closed because of the lack of funding, and all those tortured souls who were making progress didn’t get the help they needed and are DEAD today. People can say what they want today about the whole “we need more mental health resources, let’s do something about it,” but as someone who is a living witness of the REAL shit that is happening, that damn statement means as much to me as the frickin’ “sending our thoughts and prayers” nonsense.

Oh but it didn’t end there. When I came home, my mom, (who has been really sick lately), sat with me and told me that she contemplated killing herself last week when I went to help my dad work on our new house. I cried with my mom and FELT her pain, because I truly understand it, more than anyone really could. I told my mom what I found out about all the people from Gateway, I told my mom about my struggles with God and what is REAL and what is mental illness, but most of all, I told my mom that I loved her so, so much, and it’s not her time to go yet, it just ISN’T.

I went and took a shower after all that, in an attempt to wash away all the pain that was in my heart during the day’s events, and then I started thinking, REALLY thinking about what is really going on here. It is no coincidence that I had a brush with psychosis last week that almost landed me in the hospital. It is no coincidence that my sister has now moved on and is most likely going to shack up with her new boyfriend, leaving me to look after my parents. It is no coincidence that I had to literally slap the shit out myself for all this lack of self-discipline by staying up all night on the computer, wasting away countless hours on total nonsense.

My dad needs help renovating the new house because we can’t afford any help. The man is nearing 70 and works like a 20-year-old Mexican, (yeah, spare me the “politically correct” shit on that one, I don’t give a damn anymore about any of it). The point is, the time is NOW to stop hiding behind this mental illness, and start making REAL-LIFE changes to do the right thing here. My dad needs my help now. My mom needs me to take her to her doctor’s appointments so we can figure out what the hell is wrong with her. My parents need me to provide a good solid income to help them live into their twilight years with comfort and ease. So, enough is enough of this disability bullshit. You can say what you want, but it’s EVERY DAMN CHILD’S responsibility to take care of their elders. Don’t even try and say it isn’t, I don’t want to hear it.

At the end of all of this, I did a recount of all the times in my life I have had a brush with Death. All the nights binge drinking and the driving 120 mph like a mad woman. All the car accidents I got into due to manic episodes, (amazing that alcohol didn’t even have a hand in those, go figure). All the dangerous risks I took over the many years, being totally and completely lost in a bipolar haze and raging in a self-destructive path of crazy alcoholism.

God had a hand in me being alive through all of this, you can bet on that one. I am just going to go ahead and believe anyway, despite what any of the doctors say, especially because of these revelations I am sharing with you now. All those people who were in Gateway are dead. They weren’t saved, they were thrown back out to the wolves and into the clutches of their addictions and mental illnesses, right when they were making progressive breakthroughs. But there is light in the midst of this dark, heartbreaking, depressing tale.

Dr. John M. Grohol, Treasurer and Board Member of the Society for Participatory Medicine and the Founder and CEO of “Psych Central – Mental health & psychology information and support.” is the LIGHT for all of us struggling today with mental illness. I have been a member of the forum on PyschCentral for 6 years, with more than 20,000 posts under my belt, lending support and rebuilding the camaraderie I had with all those magnificent and misunderstood souls that I knew back in Gateway. Thanks to DocJohn’s effort, Psych Central has become the Internet’s leading mental health and psychology network, (online since January 1995), reaching over 4 million unique visitors every month and named one of the 50 Best Websites by TIME.com in 2008. For over 20 years, the souls that have been pouring into PyschCentral have gotten REAL answers from their AMAZING peers who suffer with mental illness, and who offer excellent advice with comforting support.

In a time where the world has “thoughts and prayers, let’s do more for the mentally ill,” stuck on a meaningless broken record, DocJohn has been out there for 20 years, making a REAL difference in the mental health community, and has provided us all with a place to find peace.

This blog has recently been inducted into the “PsychCentral’s Bipolar Resource” section of DocJohn’s amazing website, and I am making it my top priority to reach as many souls as possible as I continue on my journey of sobriety and relentless dedication to improving my life. This new mission, God’s mission, is to provide for my parents, and kick the shit out of Bipolar 1.

If you are struggling, PLEASE give PsychCental a chance, and if the website is too overwhelming for you, start here: Forums at PsychCentral  This is a section where you can post, share your story and get the help you need. That’s where I started back in 2012.

There is help out there. There is hope.

This post is dedicated to all the lost souls of the The Gateway Program for Mental Health and Substance Abuse – Long Island, NY – 2002-2009 

 

Posted in Bipolar | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

I Sit Here and Ask Myself, Why Bother Pray and Believe in God, When You Are Told It’s Just Mental Illness?

turn away from god

I can’t even tell you what I face now. In the wake of my recent family struggles, all the drama with friends, difficulty in setting realistic goals, I picked up a book today called “Lord Help Me Change,” and I literally laughed, scoffed and then got so angry I fought furiously in complete opposition of what a “Pure, Good Believer in the Eyes of God,” is supposed to be. (Or what I think it is supposed to be, according to what I have heard about Sin and all that jazz).

I took my drugs tonight, like a good bipolar patient, and couldn’t seem to find rest or peace because my mind just REFUSES to give me that simple necessity. I was angry. SO ANGRY at the fact that reading the pages of the amazing book The Captain’s mom sent me, (from a wonderful minister in Chicago), made me feel absolutely nothing but mistrust and absolute disdain as I laid there in bed. I had been granted with a miracle, escaped the clutches of psychosis, and STILL, I don’t believe. You know, I can’t. I just can’t. Not after all I have seen and done – the pills, the doctors, the mental hospitals, all the alternate realities, and the full on madness of my mind.

I struggle with finding God, I do, because the countless times I have heard His Voice, SO LOUD AND CLEAR IN MY HEAD, the times I heard Jesus himself, the times The Hand of The Almighty reached out to mine, I found myself on the floor of a psych ward, begging the nurses and doctors not to pump me up with countlesss drugs. I can’t, I can’t do this. I am faced with the bitter reality that the safety net I thought I could enjoy for the next few years is slowly being ripped from right underneath me, with me powerless to stop it.

I wanted to turn to God. I wanted my pills to work. I wanted my blog to reach more people. But like everything in life, my words fall on deaf ears, no one hears my call, no one sees me, and I suffer alone and angry at myself that I am nothing but a selfish, spoiled brat. I have been hiding behind being bipolar way too damn long. People suffer with this illness you know, most even fight the battle totally untreated, but they pull it together, go to work, provide for their families and they MAKE it through life. What is my excuse??

And can someone please tell me WHY the preacher who hears the voice of Jesus, and sings loudly in joy and excitement at the “Word of the Almighty Lord, Hallelujah!!!’ Why he doesn’t get locked up in a psych ward for hearing voices? Isn’t the voice of Jesus a voice?? Go ahead, call me a sinner, a blasphemous harlot, I don’t even care. I am angry tonight. I am angry at the fact that I can’t pray without thinking its a damn joke because of what the doctors called my epiphanies, and then in turn drugged me up with medication. Where do I fit in the grand scheme of things? Why is it, that if I were to scream “I hear the voice of Jesus, let’s all rejoice!” outside of a church, I will be locked up in mental institution?

In the face of ALL of this, I still refuse to become an atheist. Despite EVERY logical thing I have learned, EVERY fact that has been presented to me, ALL the drugs that are in my system, I BELIEVE. I laughed in God’s face you know, and yet I know he STILL loves me. I am a fool in the biggest prank ever made, but I was robbed of my rest tonight to reach you out there. You, the person who is reading this post right now. In regards to me screaming that I hear Jesus in my mind outside of the walls of a church, I will simply say this:

Jesus said… the Kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood… and I am there, lift a stone… and you will find me.

So yeah, that’s what I believe, even though that quote is COMPLETELY discredited as being heresay, but that’s what keeps me going. In the face of mental illness, in the face of the horrible stigma placed upon us, in the face of the all the judgmental fingers being pointed at us around the world in the wake of the latest school shooting, that’s what keeps me going.

I am going to pop a Melatonin pill on top of all this damn Seroquel I am on to try to rest tonight.

And I am going to say a prayer as I fall into slumber, scoffing, refusing to believe in God, but at the same time completely, and utterly believing in Him anyway.

Amen.

Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

What Does the Word “Friend” Mean To You?

reach

How do you define a friendship? Do they have to know you in real life? Do you need a regular frequency of communication, and also go out and do things with them? The past few days have really TESTED me on what I define as a “friend.” My therapist, my doctors, and my family have all advised me that in order to live a happy, healthy and productive life, I need real-life-in-person friendships. I have been warned that online interactions are not real, and even though you may enjoy a real “connection,” it is all experienced in a virtual world, and therefore not reality.

I nodded and listened for YEARS to this kind of talk, but always had a hard time making real life friends, not because I am too shy or stand-offish, but because people these days have this nagging little habit of “ghosting” the friends they make, way, way too easily. I thought this was a time where that type of behavior was only reserved for people who you “online dated.” There are also a host of other reasons, but you get the idea.

Anyway, my recent #EpicFail at listening to this advice to “go out into the world and make real-life friends”, completely backfired on me, and actually sent me spiraling through twists and turns of spinning mania, and devastating depression. My mom had even asked me today, “Why are you so devastated because you walked away from these two friends? What are you going to do when your father and I die?” A Hundred Brownie Points for Mom! I absolutely see her point, because in the face of REAL grief and loss I may totally fall apart. The worst case scenario for this would be to not survive at all, because I played too dangerously at the game of Russian Roulette. I shrugged her words off though, and continued on in my own little tormented world. Till this happened.

*The Following is a Message I sent to my Dearest Love, The Captain, Explaining in the Best Way to Articulate the Eye-Opening Experience I had Today*

My Dearest,

I have been awake for 36 hours, almost in a haze. This may be hard to hear, but I felt myself float out of my body today. I had become so broken, and I had suffered so much, that my mind spun in such tight, rhythmic circles of lightening speed, and I ended up collapsing. In that moment, that instant, came complete clarity and peace for my troubled mind and tortured soul. Everything aligned and fell into place. The universe made total sense, and I saw beyond what is known as this reality.

I reached far out, deep into the blinding twisting light of time and space, when I heard the faint screams of my mother calling out for my dad to call 911. In that moment, I grabbed her hand as she was sobbing by my side, and said “don’t call, I am okay, I am okay,” My dad came running into the kitchen where I was and asked me if I wanted him to call an ambulance. I simply smiled and said, “Do you want them to drug me up again and put me so far away from this feeling I have right now, and this clarity that I finally feel in my mind?’

He then asked if I tried to commit suicide. I started laughing, (like seriously laughing), and said “That decision was made for me because of the damage I caused myself, the hurt I inflicted upon my body, the neglect of sleep and food I denied myself, the obsession of my manic mind, and I was simply taught a lesson. No, I didn’t try to kill myself, but someone tried to take my life, and entrusted me enough to send me back in time for you to stop that ambulance from coming.” My parents just sat on floor with me, as I regained feeling in all my limbs, muscles and body. My mom went and got a fruit smoothie with honey and coconut oil she had made, lifted my head from the floor, and had me drink slowly from her Cup of Life. It was filled with nutrients, and I began to regain my strength so I could return to my room. I started to close my door, and as I tried to bolt the lock, my Dad outstretched his hand, stopping me from locking it. I took his hand, looked into his pained face, and simply said “Trust me, you will see me in the morning.”

So here I sit, amiss all these thoughts of what I experienced. I have no explanation of why I completely swung on the pendulum the way I did; from level to low, to level last night, and into the morning and afternoon falling and crashing into crippling depression, anguish and fear. Medication isn’t the answer for this, but I will take them soon and rest my mind. It needs rest after the journey it had traveled today.

Your family’s prayers were heard and answered; believe me they were. I was given back the trust that I had carelessly squandered, in my epic self-mutilation of my eternal soul. The situations with my friends were the catalyst, but they weren’t the reason for this battle I fought today. SOMETHING reached me today, pulled me into a frenzy of mania, depression, psychosis, and a complete breakdown of the woman who loves you with all her heart. I will tell you this though. The time is now to put myself on a strict sleep regimen. The time is now to go to therapy tomorrow, and completely chastise my therapist for badgering me all these years to make real-life connections in the world. Yes, I may have thought that the bonding and sisterhood is what I needed, I really still think it is, but I need it with people who are independent and healthy, not toxic. Maybe Religious People of Faith and People of Science, who are excited about the universal questions of life. The time is now to get up Wednesday morning, get showered and dressed and drive to the new house and help my dad, without him even asking me to come help. I am simply just going to show up. The time is now for me to go to bed at a reasonable time Wednesday night, get up early Thursday morning and take my mom to the appointment I fought like a warrior to get for her.

This is a day to remember. This is the first time in my entire life that I had crossed over the threshold of complete and utter psychosis, touched the universe in its purest form and way beyond it, left my body and came back to the Earth grounded, focused, coherent and NOT left at the mercy of mental health professionals and doctors at a psychiatric facility. I salute you my Captain. I fought the war as a soldier, on my own, and came back to a place of harmony and peace. Thank your family for me, your amazing daughters, and thank your mom especially. Be sure to tell her that the thank you letter for her doantion in my name from James McDonald, Head of the Ministry of “Walk in the Word,” was in my hand when I collapsed. That’s what I was doing in the kitchen at that moment; going through and reading all the mail I received for the day. I love you baby so much, as well as your unbeleivably kind family. God bless you, from the bottom of my heart, forever and always. 

Putting aside that incredible spiritual experience, (which I can obviously go into and speculate further), I am going to focus on the root of what made it come on. This experience has taught me that even though I may still crave real-life friendships, the people online who I have met over the years; the people on PsychCentral the people from my Star Trek group, the people HERE who share my story with me on my blog (and on their blog), the amazing bipolar friend I know from the UK who FINALLY contacted me after 3 months, the countless people who I keep in contact with via email, everyone I reconnected with on Facebook – ALL these people are REAL in every way, shape and form. If they are Catfish, lying about any miniscule detail, it doesn’t even matter because they reach me and enrich my life a helluva of a lot more than these two friends could have ever done for me.

These friends had serious boundary issues with their partners.

An amazing fellow blogger, (and awesome digital friend),  UnEven Jen, wrote:

I know you’re very sad and mad about both situations with both friends, but I hope you find comfort in knowing that you did the best thing by removing yourself from the drama. In the long run, the drama itself would have caused bad times and misery. It would be so much more awful if you got really close to these friends and months down the road, their weird and freaky significant others got weird and freaky on you. You would have spent months reestablishing relationships that crapped out in the end. I’m sorry you’ve been treated badly. If we lived near each other, we would definitely hang out. 

So my friends, I had an UNREAL day today. I learned some major life lessons, and now have a REAL definition of what a “friend” means to me.

“A friend is someone who you can confide in and trust. You don’t need to see, smell, touch or even hear them. All you need is their support, love, wisdom and commitment to stick it out with you through thick and thin. Face to Face, frequent, interactions doesn’t make a person your friend, what you take away from an interaction, ANY interaction (including online ones), should be the judge of that.”

Stay tuned.

Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments