Love, “Secret Sex Online,” Spirituality and Awareness

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In the world of online dating and sex, how many of you have had secret sexual encounters behind a screen? You know, like secret sexts and secret pic and cam sessions online? I ask this because, even though I have a man in my life I love more than anything,  the “sexual” part of our relationship isn’t there. It’s almost like what happens after 30 years of marriage.

I know to most people, sex is an important part of any relationship. For me and my partner, it isn’t. I have always been a sexual person, so the kind of “secret sex” sessions I had online filled the void that I didn’t have in my relationship. It is cheating, and NOW I am finally starting to realize HOW it’s cheating.

I know from reading many blogs and articles, “secret sex online” isn’t really cheating to most people. First of all, no liquids are being exchanged, and for the most part your face is covered and you are completely anonymous behind a screen, (shame on you idiots for showing your face in a nude pic, come on!) And for years, I have been justifying all this secret sex as just a part of my masturbation routine, (a level up from plain porn).

Tonight, I had my eyes fully open to what is cheating and what is not. Being a very spiritual person, part of the best “secret sex online” was Spiritual Sex. What is that? Well, there are certain extra sensory perceptions going on when you are having fun online. If you are not exchanging nudes or camming, a lot of the fun is in the “vision” of the person you are playing with in your mind. You are going off of just words and sext, and the imagery your brain fills in for you can make your body tingle in a way that can be more satisfying than actual sex, (I am talking about the kind of sexting done right obviously, not “bae show ur tits”)  And over time, I have used Spiritual Sex in many ways. I remember camming with one of my friends over in Scotland, and we would just have the cam at our eyes while playing, and let me tell you – if you think locking eyes with someone during regular sex is hot, locking eyes with someone on cam while playing is even hotter. You can literally FEEL their passion through the cam and it can last hours. Obviously, what I am trying to convey is, you can actual put your body in such a heightened awareness with someone who is just as equally aware as you spiritually – ie. erections caused by universal awareness through peace and love rather than erections caused by tits.

Anyway, I haven’t had any sort of Spiritual Sex since I came out of the hospital, (mostly because the rape and trauma in there stunted all the sexuality I had left). But tonight, I had a rare opportunity to revisit my life in Spiritual Sex. I met a guy tonight in an adult chat room and I was very excited to meet a such a spiritual person with strong sexual impulses. We started talking about spirituality when he told me he was having an erection and that he would like to relay those feelings over to me. I laid back and thought about it, and as my heightened senses could feel the excitement of what was happening, (for the first time in so long), the thought of my partner entered my brain. This, for me, was the first time I had EVER felt guilty of engaging in “secret sex online” and moreso the Spiritual Sex. As we continued to chat, the feelings bubbled more in my stomach that this is NOT RIGHT. I ended the chat by just closing the chat window and ghosting him, (another horrible reality of “secret sex online”)

What’s the moral of the story? That I truly LOVE my partner. I don’t care if we don’t have sex, or if we never have sex, I am not going to be able to have anymore “secret sex online,” EVER. He means the world to me, and even though I still have to masturbate to some really stupid porn to get my “release,” that’s just what I am going to have to do. The days of Spiritual Sex and “secret sex online,” is long over.

Please share any comments you have, and if you have “secret sex online.”

Stay Tuned.

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A New Year, A New Vision – 2019

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2018 was Hell. It was Hell for me and a lot of people. So, how does that set us up for 2019?? With Hope. I have come up with a plan in my mind that will get me off of disability by the end of 2019 and into 2020. I have a lot more going for me for the first time in a very long time. My goals are solid in my mind, and I have made realistic moves to make that dream a reality.

Invention: For the new year, I have finally decided to go forward with my “Yoga Chair” invention. I had already got the ball rolling, but I am short about $599.00 to get everything together. However, in 2019 I will have enough capital to get my invention on the market and hopefully make a killing.

Website: In 2019, I am going to attempt to build another website. I mean I put a lot into my blog already, but I am guilty of abandoning it. I need to be more proactive and dedicate more time to my site, be more interactive with people who visit my site, and be more specific in a particular theme or subject rather than being all over the place. Something is pulling me to center it around New York, but that’s just a rough idea.

Retail Job: This holiday season, I had a fantastic job at Sears, (no they are NOT going under). I learned that I need to be around people. For the past 10 years, I have been cowering and hiding in my room from the world, blaming my bipolar disorder and depression, (who else can relate?), and just being lazy. I realize now that interacting with people, helping them, and being overall connected with them is what I need and what was missing from my life. (Here’s hoping I get that Barnes and Noble job I just applied to).

School: This year, I will be going back to school. I am finally going after that Bachelor’s Degree. I hope all my other projects don’t cause me to fall behind though, (I have a tendency to make too plans to handle on my plate). I think though, that keeping busy with all of these things will bring meaning back to my life, (if I end up with an idle mind bad things usually happen).

Investments: This is the year I am going to explode on the stock market. I have a lot of ideas of how I want 2019 to play out, I have the necessary materials to make the right choices, so hopefully between everything I am going to be participating in on this list, my goal of being off disability will become a reality. (I have also decided that even if I make a killing in 2019 between all my projects, I will stay with whoever hires me part-time. I still will need to be around people).

So that’s it. That’s my 2019 wrapped up in a little pink bow. It’s amazing, you know, I never in my life made one resolution, or one goal at New Year’s. Maybe things are finally coming together in a way that will make my life easier in the coming years.

Also, I am finally going to be rid of my cowardice of hiding behind my bipolar disorder. I think we who have mental illness should not let it beat us and get too comfortable on disability. I understand it is VERY hard to even function on a daily basis, but if we sit still and let it consume us by being in bed or at home all day, every day, we will never break the cycle of pain. Getting out, doing something, being a part of your community is the BEST medicine and greatest healer for mental illness, (also taking your pills, TRUST ME!)

So here’s to a prosperous 2019 everyone, may your new year be filled with joy, happiness, and success for you and your families.

And to our troops abroad, thank you again for making our country safe for another year, we are in your debts.

Stay tuned.

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Gaming Culture, Sensitivity and Bullying

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Online gaming. It’s one of those most lucrative and addictive platforms out there and it is probably more addicting than social media or Tinder swiping, (hard to believe right?)

I thought of something today. Why are kids getting bullied in school as much as they are? Why are people more depressed, suicidal and overall anti-social? Granted. these problems have been around for a long time but not to the extent as it is today.

I was playing an experimental online game today, and some of the other players were going around shooting and trying to chase me out of my car that I paid for in the game. Is that funny? Or should I say, is that considered fun? Basically, is everyone just going online and bullying other people online virtually? Some would argue that point as “lighten up” and “it’s only a game,” but a lot of people, (kids included), take their games very, very seriously.

I am an extremely sensitive person. I cry at almost anything, especially if something makes me feel bad. I am not saying I would cry over a video game, (I am way too smart to let some small dicked asshole bully me online to the point of tears), but generally, if I am uncomfortable or in pain the tears just come. They even come down like a giant waterfall sometimes. In addition to the sensitivity, I shy away from confrontation. If I am provoked, my gut reaction is to let the other person go first or have their way, as long as it doesn’t affect my bank account or my family’s safety. You know what that makes me right? A pussy. And you know what, I am glad that I am a pussy, cause all the macho hard asses will be long dead before they see their grandchildren.

We live in America, and we are primed to be tough. We are told not to back down and chase after our dreams. But when did it become a National Trend that we have to break other people down, step on other people, or even insult and steal from other people in order to be successful?

That’s where this new dysfunctional “gaming culture” came from. These games are violent sure, but what they teach is even worse than that. I think a game can be violent, (Resident Evil and Dino Crisis were bloody as Hell in my day), but the culture that is coming out of it is very disturbing. Kids are playing games where they are basically rewarded for going around and bullying their peers. They are taught to lie, cheat and steal in these games too.

It is a sad, sad state for gaming affairs, but I hope one day game developers will come with ideas to promote comradery rather than bullying.

Stay Tuned

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I Will Never Speak To My Little Sister Again

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Does the title seem harsh? It’s funny, but with as much kindness and love that exists in my heart, I never thought I would be able to think such a thing, but there is a reason for it. I was hospitalized for most of 2018 due to my Bipolar Disorder. I experienced horrors and trauma in there that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and now, finally, I understand how much of a changed woman I am.

It was innocent enough. I am not supposed to drink because of my meds, but I have been cheating here and there. My sister and her boyfriend know my parents worry about it, so yeah, they covered for me. My sister’s boyfriend isn’t innocent either – after almost a month in the hospital undergoing lung and heart surgery, he shouldn’t be smoking. I shouldn’t be drinking, he shouldn’t be smoking. We are both in the wrong, and on Christmas I slipped up and let his secret out to my parents. And boy, am I paying for it.

My sister’s boyfriend is combative, you know, that macho bullshit. When they are out and about, he gets into it with people around him, and honestly one day my sister is going to get hurt by someone he pisses off. No matter where you are or what is going on, you never know what someone is carrying or capable of – starting fights in bars or concerts can easily get you killed. You are not a pussy if you walk away, you’re not a pussy if you let some asshole get away with something, you are not a pussy if you are a better man and decide to honor your woman and your safety.

When I would hear about these “stories” about all these altercations, I honestly felt scared for my little sister. When my sister’s boyfriend was smoking on Christmas Eve and I could hear the heavy cough, (fresh from the lung cancer scare), I got really worried, so I let the secret slip. As insignificant as my mistake is, I knew in my heart that he would hold it against me. And he did.

So, here I am, the night before my sister’s birthday with a text saying that she is cancelling her birthday plans with me and that I am not allowed over her house unless my parents are there for fear of my drinking. The old me would have probably apologized 1000 times, tried to make it up to her and make plans for another time. However, the traumatized me thinks it’s incredibly fucked up that she took the asshole’s side over me and is now permanently cut off from her big sister.

Harsh.

I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t be fake around people. When my sister gets married, I don’t want that awkwardness. I honestly don’t want anyone in my life who is going to hurt me anymore, even if it is my own little sister. I love her so, so much, I changed her diapers growing up, I did everything I ever could for her but I can’t be someone I am not.

During the six months I was hospitalized and traumatized, I realized that I am incapable of forgiveness. That’s a really hard concept for me to accept, but I really feel that now. God and Jesus both say you must forgive, but I will be the only Holy Crusader who can’t do that. I have so much love in my heart, I am incredibly sensitive and kind, but I cannot let people hurt me anymore, even if its close family.

Now I know why families are torn apart.

Now I know why there are feuds, (no I am not going to feud with my little sister, it’s just an example).

It is a real eye-opening experience for me.

I am not the woman I was and I completely changed forever.

Goodbye little sister, I will love you always.

Stay Tuned.

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Bipolar Twins – What is it like for a Bipolar I Person Vs. a Bipolar II Person?

So in the DSM, (what these psychiatrists use), there are two classifications of Bipolar – I and II, (sometimes I think there should be 10 but that’s just the 50 Shades of Lynn talking). Anyway, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I back in 2004 and my amazing friend Iain, (and Bipolar Twin), was diagnosed with Bipolar II roughly around the same time.

Over the years, Iain and I have shared tears, fears, heartaches, catastrophes, breakdowns, hospitalization horrors, (that little gem is just reserved for me so far), and overall love and friendship between two continents. Through the magic of Google, (I still have issues with their nosy, unreliable maps), Iain and I have had long and wonderful conversations of support and love through their “Hangouts” feature – which by the way you guys should totally get in on, it’s the best little gizmo for your phones – from my home in NYC and his home in the UK.

Recently, Iain and I have decided to launch a breakthrough campaign of “Mental Health Awareness” to educate people, (mostly bipolar people), on what its like to live with bipolar – what it’s REALLY like because we would be bringing you both perspectives – inside the world of both Bipolar I and Bipolar II.

So without further adieu, I bring you the first video, (of many more to come). Please follow us on Twitter @TwinsBipolar, Facebook (Lynn Iain), and Vimeo – Bipolar Twins.

Thanks for all your support.

Keep Fighting the Good Fight!

Stay Tuned.

 

 

 

 

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Weakened and Broken – How the Psychiatric Industry Can Cripple You With Pills

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I have been suffering with Bipolar Disorder for a long time and a lot of it wasn’t by choice. What has your experience been? For me, I was just handed pills to fix my depression and after that my life was completely destroyed. I really don’t want to be on any drugs – my heart, body and soul are screaming at me every day. I have no energy, I sleep too late, and I am such a broken version of the amazing woman I used to be.

A lot of people don’t understand depression – they think you are “just lazy” and just need to “snap out of it.”   But there are words that go through your head when you are depressed – like right now for me a little voice keeps saying, “go take all your pills and swallow them, just go to sleep then you won’t be a burden to anyone ever again.”

My best friend’s Dad just passed away last week, and you would think that would stop the suicidal thoughts because I have been given a gift that is life and I should make the most out of it.

It hasn’t stopped the thoughts.

I still cry almost every day after the horrible ordeal I went through in a Psych Ward this year. I was a soldier in there – fighting them when they threw me in isolation for just waiting at the door for my parents at Visiting Time – I took all the drugs they gave me and bawled Tears of Hell and Mercy to sleep at night for months. I never recovered from that, and when I told them that the pills they were giving me were way too strong because I slept all day and night, they didn’t care at all as long as I wasn’t troublesome or making a scene anymore.

I am a broken woman. I can’t get myself out of bed at a decent hour. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I signed up for all these classes, lessons and projects but my heart just isn’t in them. I think the thing psychiatrists don’t realize is you can’t just drug and drug someone – that person is a human with real thoughts and feelings and all the over-drugging will just damage them – like they damaged me. I understand that I was manic, well overly manic, but does that buy me 8 different pills at ridiculous milligrams for the rest of my life? Do I have to stay a lump of dead flesh with no feelings or hope for the rest of my life too?

If that’s the case just kill me now and be done with it.

I am so unbelievably depressed and I just can’t get out of it. These pills are forced on me and I have absolutely no hope.

I want to die so badly, so so badly but death won’t come.

Stay tuned.

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Survival of the Fittest: There is Only ‘Do and Do not’ There Is No Try.

I often wonder to myself how it is I get through life. I take a thousand risks, am overweight, and will drink two beers and swallow all my medication and go to bed. Yeah, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but screw it right? Look, all I know is that when you play hard, sometimes you lose hard, and sometimes you just have to put your legs between your legs and go home.

I did the latter.

I booked an amazing trip to Orlando from here in New York, (god I needed to get away), and planned all these amazing things to do – Kennedy Space Center, Clearwater Beach with Dolphins, Sea Life Aquarium, etc. I booked my car, hotel and flight and was on the plane with $900 to spend. Guess what? Somewhere along the line, everybody grabbed deposit money from me (they never did this years ago), and it left me with -$20 on my card and with the $10 I have in the bank.

God help me, the worst had happened.

There I am sitting outside this beautiful entertainment area filled with restaurants, stands, waterfalls, cobblestone streets and even a working choo-choo to shuttle all the kiddies around and I am on the phone crying my eyes out because I have no money for food, gas for the rental car and no frickin’ idea how I am going to make it with 6 more days left on my vacation. I arrived on Sunday, today is Monday and I have a whole week planned of fun things in Orlando, how the hell is this shit happening???

But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Operator: This is Delta airlines how may I help you?

Me: I have no money. I have no way of getting food or gas for my car and I need to get home, I need to change my return flight to tonight not Saturday. Can you help me?

Operator: Ma’am I am sorry but we don’t do that and you have Basic Economy as it is.

Me: (Tears start falling while I am sitting on a bench in a public place) You don’t understand. I have no money for food. I have nothing to eat, I HAVE TO GET HOME. PLEASE HELP ME!!

Operator: I spoke to my Supervisor, and we can get you on one flight that leaves at 7:27pm from Orlando International Airport and lands at 10:00pm at JFK Airport.

I look at my watch: 5:22pm.

God help me.

The following occurred through some miracle of Jesus Christ Almighty God. I don’t know how I get by sometimes, I really don’t. 

5:22-5:54pm – Run out of Entertainment Complex (I didn’t even get to go to the Aquarium and that was the whole point of going there in the first place).

5:58-6:20 – Run into hotel, drop by the front desk and tell them to get my check-out ready. Then run to room pack insanely fast and have a beer, (I had to leave three behind, sigh). Check out and leave.

6:20-6:52 – Drive to Car Rental place, drop off car, pass inspection, then get shuttled to the airport.

6:52-7:10 – Run all away across the airport, (the shuttle left me on the other side of the airport and I can literally feel the tears swelling up in my eyes), make it to Delta, check-in and run to the security checkpoint.

7:10-7:25 – Make it through security and jump on the airtrain to the Gate.

7:25-7:27pm – Haul ass to Gate 75 and at the empty gate the attendant scans my Boarding Pass quickly and closes the doors behind me – I am the last one in.

Delta Flight from Orlando to New York at 7:27pm – 10pm makes it on time.

Hallelujah!

Just another adventure to strike off my “to do list” of the shit I get myself into and somehow got my way out of.

I have to say this though, even though my trip ended and I have to make a ton of phone calls to make sure I get all (or most) of my money back tomorrow, it’ good to be home.

I am here with my friends, my family, my neighbors of Nassau County, and of course Dave.

Home is where the heart is, and in the case of my home, there is no place like it.

God works in mysterious ways, and as much as I put myself out there and in harm’s way, He always brings me back –

HOME.

(The above song is what made me cry as I descended into New York this evening).

Stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

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